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The holiday season is often associated with joy and celebration, but for many families, it can also bring "grief spikes." This is especially true if it's the first holiday season without a loved one or if memories of someone lost resurface strongly during this time. Navigating grief during the holidays is challenging, but there are meaningful ways to support both children and yourself through the process.
Turn an Absence into a Presence
Holidays often highlight the absence of loved ones, but finding ways to turn that absence into a presence can bring comfort. Grief expert Hope Edelman, author of The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss, suggests incorporating the memory of a loved one into holiday traditions.
This could mean cooking a beloved family recipe, lighting a candle in their honor, or sharing stories around the dinner table. Creating a new tradition in their memory can also be meaningful. One family turned the anniversary of their son's passing into a "day of kindness," spreading light and love in his honor. These rituals not only help keep the memory alive but also give children a sense of connection and belonging.
Give Children Space to Talk
Fred Rogers famously said, "Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be manageable." The holidays provide an opportunity to share stories and memories of loved ones. Looking at photos, laughing over funny memories, or watching old home videos can help children feel connected to those who have passed away.
Edelman notes that children need the freedom to talk about their grief openly. If children can't share their feelings or memories, they may feel isolated in their loss. Encouraging conversations helps them process their emotions and maintain a connection to the loved one they miss.
Storytelling is also a powerful way for parents to model healthy ways of dealing with loss. Sharing stories about a lost loved one can offer both comfort and connection. For example, recounting positive traits or hobbies of a grandparent who has passed can help children feel closer to them, even if they never met.
Gather Your Village to Help
Grief affects everyone differently, and it’s important to acknowledge that parents and children may grieve in unique ways. Parents often face the dual challenge of managing their own grief while supporting their children. Edelman advises reaching out to friends, neighbors, or extended family to help. Having a trusted adult available for children to talk to can provide much-needed support, especially when parents are overwhelmed.
Assemble a "grief team" that includes people who can provide emotional availability for your children. This allows parents to take the time they need to process their own emotions while ensuring their kids have someone to turn to.
Remember That Children Grieve Differently
Children experience grief differently than adults, often depending on their age and temperament. Young children may not understand the permanence of death and may express their grief through changes in routine or short, intense emotional bursts. Older children may process grief more deeply but still need guidance in navigating their emotions.
Adults can support grieving children by being present and emotionally available. Sometimes, children hold back their emotions until they feel safe with a supportive adult. Additionally, teaching children healthy ways to regulate their emotions—like crying when sad or talking through their feelings—can help them build resilience.
There’s No "Right Way" to Grieve
Grief is a personal journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. It’s also not time-limited. Experiencing a "grief spike" during the holidays doesn’t mean something is wrong; it’s a reflection of love and longing. Edelman encourages parents to embrace these emotions, knowing they are part of the grieving process.
Words of Hope for Parents
Edelman offers reassurance for parents concerned about how grief will impact their children: "A child can experience a loss—even a major one—when they’re young and still have a beautiful, rich, and fulfilling life as an adult. They will carry that memory forward, but it will often enrich their lives in ways you can't even imagine now."
As you navigate the holidays, remember to be gentle with yourself and your family. By honoring your loved one’s memory, encouraging open communication, and seeking support when needed, you can help create a holiday season that balances the joy of the present with the cherished memories of the past.
